Thursday, September 15, 2011


Changing things up -- please bear with me while I regroup, reorganize and otherwise revamp my blog which includes a new title as well as design. What you see now may not be the final product...

This change has been long over-due and I'm sure it's merely symptomatic but nonetheless much needed.

Friday, September 2, 2011


What can really be gained in an hour or two?

A clean house.

Dinner made and eaten.

Yard work.

Catching up on correspondence.

A T.V. show or movie you've been wanting to catch.

But what bonds, if any, can be gained in such a short time?

B has an uncle (my brother who lives in another state) and cousins he's rarely seen that we will be spending some time with on Saturday morning -- they're here for a family wedding this Sunday that B is not attending, through no will or fault of his own (a long story best left UN-told for the sake of family peace and preservation).

I pushed for this get-together in spite of the fact that my out of state Clan has very limited time here: they come in quite late Friday night (and are staying at my other brother's house) and are leaving very early Monday the day after the festivities. This Saturday they have to go check into their hotel in the afternoon in the city the wedding is to take place -- and then they're off to do the L.A. sight-seeing thing.

So, the window of opportunity was quite a short one.

However, I pushed for it because B deserves equal time -- at least that's what I told myself when I started this.

The cousins from my two brothers are close -- they're close because my two brothers are close, growing up almost as twins with them being only eighteen months apart in age. There is an eight and ten year age difference between me and them.

No one has necessarily gone out of their way to make me feel out of the loop, but...nonetheless I have always felt that way. Again, I'm not placing blame.

Birth order is simply a bitch -- one who leaves vicious bite marks on my heart and conscience.

Then, I started to notice a pattern: whenever my out of state brother was here for this occasion or another -- more time was spent between them all. The same goes for any occasion that happened in their state: we never had the money to attend weddings out of state, but everyone else always seemed to, thus strengthening the family bond between them all.

Enter 'Facebook', texting, etc. to further cultivate their relationships.

Again, I felt left out of the inner sanctum...but this time I decided to get pro-active and do something about it, especially with B not invited going to the wedding: I'll be damned if I was going to sit idly by and watch the pattern repeating itself in this next generation with B now on the outside looking in.

But am I really doing it for those reasons? For the reasons I claimed to be so fervently passionate about?

The answer is yes.

And no.

I have always needed, craved and searched for the love and respect of my older brothers.

Call it 'The Little Sister Needing Constant Attention Syndrome' -- although, I'd like to think I outgrew that years ago.

So, what gives?

Why do I still care so much?

Because I do.

I need to show them I'm no longer the UN-focused child/teen/young woman who cultivated with great care the black sheep reputation that's plagued me.

I need B. I need to show them all what I had a big hand in doing.

I need them to look at this bright, enlightened and decent twenty one year old and think: "Okay, perhaps we've mis-judged. Perhaps it's wrong we've only called you on national holidays. Perhaps it's wrong you've felt out of the loop and maybe, just perhaps, we could have done something different all these years."

What I know is this: we all have our own journey's and they're all different from the next persons. Their life is in the mid-west with different interests, philosophies and ideologies.

But wouldn't it be wonderful if they discovered something wonderful about me and my family they've missed out on all these years?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if they want to be even a small part of our journey?

Being grounded in some realism here, I also know that years of my journey and theirs being so separate and different, is it really possible to make up lost time in one short hour or two thinking that it's enough time to implement much needed change?

Tick, tick, tick...

I'll let you know when I do.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


~Today I am not with you

~Today I miss you

~Today you are in my thoughts

~Today I have regrets

~Today I need you

~Today I have hope

~Today I wish for you all that is good in your life

~Today you turn 25

Happy birthday to my beautiful daughter, C -- I hope one day we will be a family again...

Because today I love you -- and tomorrow I will, too.