Wednesday, February 9, 2011
What's it been? Two months? Too long. I think of my dear friends, Elle, Jules, Steven and Michael and all my followers every day and have missed you all madly!
We moved about a week and a half ago, just a few blocks, really, but it's been an exhausting process and one I'm glad is 'over'. Well, over in the sense that we're here and nearly settled in, but not over in the fact that I feel at home, at ease....
I look around at all my familiar things and notice they -- and I -- are once again out of our element and have ventured into unfamiliar territory.
The things are mine, and while we pay to live here -- is it really mine? Is this really my life?
I feel as if I'm visiting someone else's house and find myself shuffling through cabinets and drawers that aren't technically mine looking for things that are.
This is a strange ethereal like storm I seem to be in: the sky is blue, the air crisp, borderlining on warm, with nary a cloud in sight...yet I feel rumpled and ruffled as if tumbled and jumbled in a gust of gale winds that landed me in Oz, without the singing of Glinda and the Munchkins to welcome me.
I keep clicking my heels...but, I still feel a sense of disturbance even though I am now still -- on the outside.
No yellow brick road or great wizard in sight -- however faux -- to seek out. No Scarecrow or Tin Man to accompany me, although I suspect that I am indeed the Cowardly Lion in the guise of an almost 45 year old female not dealing well, once again, with change.
Ed and B love it and are quite happily placed, trying to project their happiness onto me. Telling me that I will come to love it and it will be fine.
I want that assurance and fulfillment -- and I find myself fraught with envy.
In the long run, I know this was a cyclone that needed to happen in order to improve our financial health and put things back in order.
I guess I just have yet to appreciate it's significance and what this tempest will come to mean for our lives.
I wish I were braver. Calmer. Eager to embrace.
I wish I was home.