Thursday, December 16, 2010


Santa has a lot of explaining to do.

First off, I've been wanting to post and catch up before this -- and I just want everyone to know (Steven, David, Meeko, Bibi, Jaynie, Jules, Elle and Andrea all in particular) that I've read all your comments and they've brought me immense comfort. To those of you who've reached out to me via Twitter, E-mail and/or text...equally appreciated and deeply felt.

Thank you all so much for caring about our pain and loss.

With the exception of a few meltdowns here and there the past few days (something will come up that makes me think of our beautiful little Juneau and it all hits that she should be here with us...), I can honestly say that the grieving has gotten a little easier day by day and that in addition to attempting to re-build our great financial loss when we were trying to save Juneau (who died in her sleep -- for which we're grateful if she had to go that it wasn't a decision on our part but was in fact in God's hands), we're also trying very hard to find joy in the season by doing what everyone else is: buying a tree, decorating, shopping on a budget, watching Christmas specials, etc.

Please know that I do know and understand that we're not the only family going through hardships, financial or otherwise: I am acutely aware of the families who have soldiers overseas and some who have lost their loved ones as well as the financial struggles everyone is facing now.

With that said....


Ed had yesterday off for a Dermatology appointment: he gets these welt like boils on his hands, arms, elbows and even a few on his knees now and then. A few years ago we had to take him to county to have one cut open and dug out. He turned sheet white and it pained me to see him in so much agony.

After one cancellation and rescheduling after another, he was finally able to get in to see the Dermatologist yesterday who said he has a raging infection and that while these festering boils are indeed likely the product of ingrown hair, that for some reason his body is "colonizing" them causing his infection.

So, he's on a ten day anti-biotic treatment.

Wait, there's more....

Being fair skinned and freckled, he also had a few suspicious markings on his body, which turned out to be easily, albeit a bit painfully, treatable as she will burn them off.

However, what really had her concerned was that Ed has a growing red 'strawberry' mark on his side that occasionally bleeds and gives him trouble: this is where more 'good news' was handed to us as she said it is likely cancerous.

Due to his infection, she was unable to remove it for biopsy yesterday so now he has to wait until January 21st for his biopsy and results.

This is excruciating and has me, to be frank, quite scared for my husband's health.

I have so much running through my mind right now that I reached out yesterday to some of my 'kids' giving them an update and asking them to please pray for Ed.

I was disappointed that so few responded: Granted, we gave birth to B -- but the others we CHOSE to be a part of our lives and we deserve a little of their time, thought, prayers and consideration.

We have always been there for them -- was it too much to ask for some words of comfort and good thoughts in return?

I know we've been drama-filled lately with the passing of Juneau and all the financial stuff of the past few years -- believe me when I say that we don't ask for this but for whatever reason, it would appear we're being tested -- and it would appear I'm failing miserably.

So, I reached out and asked for some much needed support for Ed and I both.

I think we're fundamentally decent and good people -- we do what we can for others (in fact, I recently signed up for my 4th consecutive MS Walk) and when we love we do so whole heartedly.

At the risk of inviting wrath and hurt feelings for those who read my blog, I need to say that I know it's easy to get caught up in day to day stuff with life (especially when you're in your late teens and early to mid-20's) and perhaps they, too, have big stuff going on in their lives. However, I stand by mine and Ed's initial reaction that we deserve better from them.

Not a good way to start off the Holy season, I admit.

It's not all about us, it's not all about you -- it's about our 'family' as a unit and when one hurts, the rest of us should, too.

When you've needed us, we've been there. Now, we need you if for no other reason than to pay a visit, make a phone call or even send a text saying: "Everything will be okay. We love you and 'Big Guy' (as Ed is affectionately known) and, of course, we'll pray for him."

Not a lot to ask, I don't think.

So, we will continue on with the celebration of Christmas and family -- extended or otherwise -- doing our best to keep our spirits high and our hopes up for a good outcome for Ed.

I think of my blog friends every single day. EVERY DAY. Please know that and please forgive my absence and lack of participation in your lives. I do care...more than I have words.

Your support of me over the past few years has been more than what many in our 'real' lives have given and I am so grateful to each of you -- and with that, I wish you all love, joy, good health, peace and happiness that your hearts and lives can hold.

Merry Christmas, my friends.



Anonymous said...

having gone through cancer scares with my mum and myself I understand your fear all to well...I know not much said can make you feel bettter, just know you have my prayers and my shoulder and ear is always available you friend

Jennifer said...

I'm a kidney cancer survivor and just left an 8 yr abusive marriage - my thoughts... when is it ok to ask for support, a shoulder to lean on, a prayer to be said? When your heart needs it. You reach out to others and it has a rippling effect - some respond, some pray without a word, some move away. We're all human. I've had to realize that my friends have their own problems and can't be the end all and be all to my issues but are there for me when they can be. I've become more independant, pray and become closer to God than ever before in my life and have cried in my car, on my sofa and in my bed. And then another day passes and I've survived. So if you need to write, or ask for help - that's what you need. Hope you'll stop by jennsthreegraces Jennifer wishing you new blessings and peace

Meeko Fabulous said...

Oh dear! Please keep me posted!

Jules said...

I'm saying prayers for Ed and the "not-so-interested" family members. Seems they have forgotten what a simple smile can actually do.

I'm here if I can be of any service even if it is a sounding board. :)
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Jaynie Martin said...

Hey jo - Eds 'strawberry; mark sounds suspiciously very much like i had recently it was round grew to finger nail size by time i went to doc - it kept bleeding and scabbing and bleeding again it was called a basal cell cascinoma although they call it a skin cancer but its actually an isolated cancer which does not spread mine has been cut out and provided they have it all wont grow again but if it did they can just cut it out again (like a small tumour) - Mine was on my arm - im not moley or freckly although quite fair skinned apparrently they are very common. I have a tiny scar on my arm took 10 mins to remove and has healed without any other meds or help needed - i sat and chatted to the nurse while doc took it off - But hopefully Eds in nothing however if it is same as mine dont worry to much cos its one that can be dealt with easily xxxx prayers are coming over to you from England ( errr snowy :/ England brrr ) think of you and your family xxxx

middle child said...

Do not apologise. You are not being dramatic. You have suffered much. You deserve to be upset with the "kids". For now, you must keep putting one foot in front of the other. But the time will come when you can rest. Let His strength and peace fill you.