Tuesday, May 11, 2010

SOMEWHERE INBETWEEN


I don't even know where to begin. I simply have little or no joy, I'm easily irritated, ungrateful, impatient and tired. Plus I'm starting to get tremors in my left hand so I don't spend much time on my computer. I miss my blog friends: Andrea, Elle, Ms. Bibi, Herrad, Meeko, and Steven Anthony --whom I owe a heartfelt apology.

This is all I have to give right now, my friends, but it has nothing to do with my love and devotion to you. That's right -- it's the 'ol: 'It's not you, it's ME' thing. For example: I'm supposed to go walking this morning with my friend, Nikki but if I don't I know she'll think I'm making up excuses -- which is partially true: I do have things to do this morning (for B's birthday party on Saturday -- order the cake, buy the food...) that if I don't get them done now and wait until after I walk, my frustration and anxiety levels are going to be sky high and the later I wait, the more people I have to deal with out there and won't feel like going which I HAVE to do today. However, maybe walking will calm me but right now I feel anxious about walking! I need to walk, I just would rather not sometimes and today is one of them. I'm somewhere inbetween needing to and not caring. I would much rather right now just sit down and have a cup of coffee with Nikki (whose company I enjoy immensely!) to find out how her Mother's Day was and to catch up...

I stopped by her house on Thursday as I was out running some errands and her and her daughter (one of B's best friends) were swimming out back when I came in -- both noticed I was out of sorts and kept commenting that it was because 'I was out of my element' (outside of my own home). They were right -- and it showed as it simply takes a toll for me to do things that other people don't bat an eyelash at.

This is where I'm at.

I had an appointment with my therapist on Friday, which went well. We discussed my relationship with 'C', my daughter. You read the previous post, it's enough said. Nothing's changed and I doubt it will anytime soon. I'm somewhere inbetween relief and acceptance, grief and hope.

My birthday was Saturday in which Ed came home from work around 2:00 in the afternoon and then went out to do some shopping to make me homemade vegan cupcakes (I have a vegan cupcake cookbook) in which I didn't get a cupcake until 10:00 p.m. Why? Because it took him that long -- 8 hours to shop and bake. EIGHT HOURS. He made such an effort and tried so hard that I was somewhere inbetween being grateful and pissed. I sat mostly by myself all day waiting for something, anything...while he and B were running around 'for me' when I would have rather simply had their company. 9:00 p.m. we finally ate dinner then it was waiting another hour for cupcakes to cool and be frosted and the gifts (which were really nice and thoughtful -- and Ed decorated the table with 'Tinkerbell') when all I really wanted was sleep and to call it a day at that point.

Sunday we were gone for eight hours for Mother's Day to spend the day with our Mom's -- we had dim sum and went to see 'Iron Man 2' -- I didn't see the first one 'cause I rarely go out to movies but it wasn't about me, it was about my Mom and Mother-in-law who wanted to see this film which was enjoyable, I was just a little lost on the whole thing since I missed the first one. I was somewhere inbetween entertainment and confusion.

Ed was home from work yesterday and the refund we've been waiting for in regards to our taxes hasn't come so Ed got on-line to find out what the hold up was and discovered that they claim he entered something incorrectly. He then became enraged so I left. I had to confront the lesser of two evils: the big, bad, mean outside world or a pissed off Irishman. I chose the former. I was somewhere inbetween "Glad he's home for an extra day" to "Next time, Ed -- go to work!".

So, I know, I know -- apologies, shmapologies. I don't blame you for not wanting to hear it anymore -- I would feel the same way if I were you. I really am sorry...

I miss you all.

8 comments:

Steven Anthony said...

I understand my friend, Im kinda in the same space, Im not even posting all my regular stuff as of late...everything seems so hard, so complicated.

I am sending hugs your way, know you have a friend in Mich who cares and loves ya;)

Yankee Girl said...

Never apologize for feeling the way you feel or letting your blog friends know what is going on. We are here because we care and of course we want you to be honest.

I will be thinking of you.

Meeko Fabulous said...

Honey please! It's your blog. It's a sounding board. A place to vent. We're here for you!

Elle said...

Jo, my dear, you don't owe us anything. Nothing at all. We come to visit you because we care--about you and about what you have to say.

I understand being in that space for every single thing is just overwhelming. Hang in there and know that we're here if you need us.

Bossy Betty said...

No problem! We all go through a range of emotions, both high and low. Makes life interesting, to say the least.

criticalcrass said...

if i've had a shit day, sometimes the only place i have to go to unwind is my blog...that's what it's for.

and friends, good ones, will appreciate the ugly in life just as much as the beauty. you can't have one without the other.

i hope the next few days are prettier.

happy bonday!

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

Smart girl. Never cross a pissed off Irishman!

Allen said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. I too have been super busy with life.

I bought into a corporation, which has me working more than I normally do. I have been making window shades for their corporate cars.

I miss our coffee times. =o)

During stressful times, remember to step back one space, take a deep breath and slowly let it out, and hit the problem head on.

huggggggggggggggggggggs,
Allen