Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I don't even know where to begin. I simply have little or no joy, I'm easily irritated, ungrateful, impatient and tired. Plus I'm starting to get tremors in my left hand so I don't spend much time on my computer. I miss my blog friends: Andrea, Elle, Ms. Bibi, Herrad, Meeko, and Steven Anthony --whom I owe a heartfelt apology.
This is all I have to give right now, my friends, but it has nothing to do with my love and devotion to you. That's right -- it's the 'ol: 'It's not you, it's ME' thing. For example: I'm supposed to go walking this morning with my friend, Nikki but if I don't I know she'll think I'm making up excuses -- which is partially true: I do have things to do this morning (for B's birthday party on Saturday -- order the cake, buy the food...) that if I don't get them done now and wait until after I walk, my frustration and anxiety levels are going to be sky high and the later I wait, the more people I have to deal with out there and won't feel like going which I HAVE to do today. However, maybe walking will calm me but right now I feel anxious about walking! I need to walk, I just would rather not sometimes and today is one of them. I'm somewhere inbetween needing to and not caring. I would much rather right now just sit down and have a cup of coffee with Nikki (whose company I enjoy immensely!) to find out how her Mother's Day was and to catch up...
I stopped by her house on Thursday as I was out running some errands and her and her daughter (one of B's best friends) were swimming out back when I came in -- both noticed I was out of sorts and kept commenting that it was because 'I was out of my element' (outside of my own home). They were right -- and it showed as it simply takes a toll for me to do things that other people don't bat an eyelash at.
This is where I'm at.
I had an appointment with my therapist on Friday, which went well. We discussed my relationship with 'C', my daughter. You read the previous post, it's enough said. Nothing's changed and I doubt it will anytime soon. I'm somewhere inbetween relief and acceptance, grief and hope.
My birthday was Saturday in which Ed came home from work around 2:00 in the afternoon and then went out to do some shopping to make me homemade vegan cupcakes (I have a vegan cupcake cookbook) in which I didn't get a cupcake until 10:00 p.m. Why? Because it took him that long -- 8 hours to shop and bake. EIGHT HOURS. He made such an effort and tried so hard that I was somewhere inbetween being grateful and pissed. I sat mostly by myself all day waiting for something, anything...while he and B were running around 'for me' when I would have rather simply had their company. 9:00 p.m. we finally ate dinner then it was waiting another hour for cupcakes to cool and be frosted and the gifts (which were really nice and thoughtful -- and Ed decorated the table with 'Tinkerbell') when all I really wanted was sleep and to call it a day at that point.
Sunday we were gone for eight hours for Mother's Day to spend the day with our Mom's -- we had dim sum and went to see 'Iron Man 2' -- I didn't see the first one 'cause I rarely go out to movies but it wasn't about me, it was about my Mom and Mother-in-law who wanted to see this film which was enjoyable, I was just a little lost on the whole thing since I missed the first one. I was somewhere inbetween entertainment and confusion.
Ed was home from work yesterday and the refund we've been waiting for in regards to our taxes hasn't come so Ed got on-line to find out what the hold up was and discovered that they claim he entered something incorrectly. He then became enraged so I left. I had to confront the lesser of two evils: the big, bad, mean outside world or a pissed off Irishman. I chose the former. I was somewhere inbetween "Glad he's home for an extra day" to "Next time, Ed -- go to work!".
So, I know, I know -- apologies, shmapologies. I don't blame you for not wanting to hear it anymore -- I would feel the same way if I were you. I really am sorry...
I miss you all.