I am writing today about second guessing ourselves. Or, to clarify, my always second guessing MYSELF.
I am forever re-writing conversations in my head and going over and over what I said/wrote, what I shouldn't have and what I meant to say/write.
It's a terrible way to live and one that can -- and does -- corrode my mind with unnecessary debris and clutter.
I stay up all night tossing and turning going over these events. Then I wonder why I'm so tired and unmotivated all the time.
Yesterday was particularly
Then I attempt a do-over which makes things worse. Silence.
Remember growing up when your Mom would tell you to 'leave well enough alone'?
Damn me then for not listening and damn me now for not taking away the lessons that were right in front of me.
I've seen my Mom backpedal so much in her own life in little and big things that I always swore I would never be like that.
I've seen her go 'from the frying pan into the fire' and I have, sadly, followed those steps.
Last night B, Ed and I were having a conversation about this very thing when my own words came back to haunt me: B and his damned memory like an elephant, I tell you!
I told him not too long ago to never regret: simply live by your decisions and choices and proudly stand by them, mistakes and lessons are abound and all we can do is learn what not to say/write or do next time.
I am not big for apologizing. I like them but the very words that I like to hear somehow have trouble leaving my lips.
Then my big mouth overcame me last night (I know. Shocker.) and I mentioned to him that I find myself second guessing all I say/write and do all the time.
I did not heed my own advice to my son as I indeed live with regret. Sometimes it's big stuff and sometimes it's simply words -- which, yes, I know can be synonymous.
Words can -- and do -- hurt and can come back to leave a huge scar on your arse.
I simply put way too much thought into what others may be thinking or perhaps misinterpreting my words to the point where it could come back to proverbially bite me or worse: change ones once good opinion of me.
I am like this with family and with acquaintances.
Then I feel the need to clarify which, again -- DUH! -- makes things worse.
I can't concentrate on the tasks at hand and find myself lost in the brisk and pounding sea of 'coulda, shoulda, woulda'.
Being a blogger who has shared my blog's links with people I forgot, a big 'Oops!' then comes into the forefront.
Do I backpedal, write a new blog saying; "Mea culpa -- for anyone reading this, I so did not mean how that came out" or do I indeed leave well enough alone?
I don't want to censor myself but nor do I want to constantly re-think every single thing I do, say, write.
I seem to be in an uphill losing battle with myself.
The way my mind works is that 'well' that I'm leaving alone begins to fill up and drown me if I don't attempt to do something to fix it.
What then happens is that I end up falling in and attempt to fight and crawl my way up the damp cobblestone, bloodying my hands and fingers, to get out of that well -- instead of patiently waiting for the rain to come and gently lift me to the top.
I always hope that the people in question would 'send down a ladder' by knowing my heart and it's intentions by calling or writing and say; "I don't want you to worry about this, Jo. We know where your heart is and what you meant to say and how you feel."
In a Utopian society and in quixotic thought, that would be idyllic.
But that's just not me.
EDIT: I just (finally!) posted on my '90 Days' blog. You can get to my '90 Days' blog from the blog button on my side bar that looks like a bowl of cherries.