Wednesday, April 7, 2010

SECONDS ANYONE?


I am writing today about second guessing ourselves. Or, to clarify, my always second guessing MYSELF.

I am forever re-writing conversations in my head and going over and over what I said/wrote, what I shouldn't have and what I meant to say/write.

It's a terrible way to live and one that can -- and does -- corrode my mind with unnecessary debris and clutter.

I stay up all night tossing and turning going over these events. Then I wonder why I'm so tired and unmotivated all the time.

Yesterday was particularly corrosive reflective to the point where it was nothing but a wasted, damaged day.

Then I attempt a do-over which makes things worse. Silence.

Remember growing up when your Mom would tell you to 'leave well enough alone'?

Damn me then for not listening and damn me now for not taking away the lessons that were right in front of me.

I've seen my Mom backpedal so much in her own life in little and big things that I always swore I would never be like that.

I've seen her go 'from the frying pan into the fire' and I have, sadly, followed those steps.

Last night B, Ed and I were having a conversation about this very thing when my own words came back to haunt me: B and his damned memory like an elephant, I tell you!

I told him not too long ago to never regret: simply live by your decisions and choices and proudly stand by them, mistakes and lessons are abound and all we can do is learn what not to say/write or do next time.

I am not big for apologizing. I like them but the very words that I like to hear somehow have trouble leaving my lips.

Then my big mouth overcame me last night (I know. Shocker.) and I mentioned to him that I find myself second guessing all I say/write and do all the time.

I did not heed my own advice to my son as I indeed live with regret. Sometimes it's big stuff and sometimes it's simply words -- which, yes, I know can be synonymous.

Words can -- and do -- hurt and can come back to leave a huge scar on your arse.

I simply put way too much thought into what others may be thinking or perhaps misinterpreting my words to the point where it could come back to proverbially bite me or worse: change ones once good opinion of me.

I am like this with family and with acquaintances.

Then I feel the need to clarify which, again -- DUH! -- makes things worse.

I can't concentrate on the tasks at hand and find myself lost in the brisk and pounding sea of 'coulda, shoulda, woulda'.

Being a blogger who has shared my blog's links with people I forgot, a big 'Oops!' then comes into the forefront.

Do I backpedal, write a new blog saying; "Mea culpa -- for anyone reading this, I so did not mean how that came out" or do I indeed leave well enough alone?

I don't want to censor myself but nor do I want to constantly re-think every single thing I do, say, write.

I seem to be in an uphill losing battle with myself.

The way my mind works is that 'well' that I'm leaving alone begins to fill up and drown me if I don't attempt to do something to fix it.

What then happens is that I end up falling in and attempt to fight and crawl my way up the damp cobblestone, bloodying my hands and fingers, to get out of that well -- instead of patiently waiting for the rain to come and gently lift me to the top.

I always hope that the people in question would 'send down a ladder' by knowing my heart and it's intentions by calling or writing and say; "I don't want you to worry about this, Jo. We know where your heart is and what you meant to say and how you feel."

In a Utopian society and in quixotic thought, that would be idyllic.

But that's just not me.










EDIT: I just (finally!) posted on my '90 Days' blog. You can get to my '90 Days' blog from the blog button on my side bar that looks like a bowl of cherries.

8 comments:

Steven Anthony said...

I read this and my heart breaks, for you because I know how wonderful you are...and because I do the same thing...we are two peas in a pod...

second guessing can kill us, lets make a deal...we will both try and stop this:) Love yha my friend...call me if u need an ear

Andrea said...

Sometimes I find it easier to write my apologies to others. I can say what is truly on my heart and it is more comfortable for me. You may think this is a cop out, but sometimes it is the best I can do for myself and the person I have offended.
Blessings, andrea

Yankee Girl said...

It is hard to live with a decision and then not look back, but you need to let a little of it go...at least I think that is what we need to do. I tend to hold onto everything until the last possible minute. But once I let go of it everything feels so much better.

Dorkys Ramos said...

Oh I'm always questioning my actions too, which always makes it so tough for me to just make a decision already. I also wish I were a bit more carefree and courageous to take action and stand by its results. If things turn out well, then good. If not, surely there's something to gain from it.

Shannon E. Kennedy said...

Jo,
Do you think this is an Irish thang?

I'm exhausted today from tears - I handled something work related so poorly. I always say I'm sorry and will take the blame even if its not my fault (whats THAT about) anyway...work stuff - an error that caused a human being to be upset and I felt it was my fault (she did not) when I called her to explain and apologize I started to cry - that got HER even more upset and ME even more upset for being even more unprofessional!

crazy.........anyway, I've been beating myself up allllll day long (am I allowed to swear on you blog?)

Thanks for making me feel like I"m not the only freak in the room!

I am trying to wean my way back to writing and reading the bloggers I like (YOU) instead of promote my blog - its not easy

really glad you're out there!

xoMonkeyME

Ms Bibi said...

I know exactly how you feel.

I am an awful second guesser. I hate that about myself and it is so hard to break from once you are use to doing it for such a long time.

I will never get back all those sleepless nights and stressed out days thinking what I should have done instead...we need to take it one day at the time and as long as we realize doing it maybe we can slowly fix it.I wish there was a magi cure or a pill we can take, but instead we have to work hard at it...sucks.

Hand in there, my dear friend!

Ms Bibi said...

I forgot to tell you to come by. I have an award for you

http://findingthepotofgold.blogspot.com/2010/04/award-time-spreading-love.html

Joy said...

Ugh, I know what you mean. Indecisiveness is so annoying but so easy to overlook. I just wrote a post on my blog around some great advice a friend once gave me, "By not making a decision, you make a decision." It's something I think of often when I'm procrastinating and going over and over things in my mind.