Say that fast five times.
Go ahead. I'll wait.
I've just been lying low this week NOT doing all the things I need to.
Mostly, I've just been procrastinating and pouting. They've decided to be cohorts in crime.
I received a text from my sister Monday saying that our other sister, the one I was attempting to reach, is going to call me this week (see previous post). I'm still waiting -- and am still holding out optimally for that elusive hope.
I'm simply in a 'wait and see' holding pattern.
This is what she does. Having the upper hand is important to her.
Of course, perhaps that's all she has to hang onto anymore -- to have some semblance of control over something. A feeling I'm all too familiar with but for different reasons.
Her loss was simply unbearable.
Mine wasn't and I don't dare to compare the two.
Still. There's an underlying cruel streak there, I'm sorry -- and a bit ashamed -- to say.
For example: several years ago in the middle of our feud, she suddenly out of the blue sent a homemade placard for my kitchen (she's quite good at crafts).
There was no note attached. No explanation. No 'I'm thinking of you'.
Just an unexpected arrival.
Of course, that left me to say/write the first word to break our silence.
So, off I went to write a heartfelt thank you note, of course asking how she was.
Nothing in return. For years. Nothing.
Then, again, of the blue this past Christmas I received the first Christmas card from her in well over five years.
In it was nothing but signatures. No 'How are you?', no updates on how she and her family are...nothing.
I nonetheless saw it as a good sign and that perhaps she's ready to let go of all the bullshit between us.
So, once again, that left me to send one in return -- with recent pictures of all of us and a handwritten note to update her on me and my family, telling her that I'd love for her to be in touch and, so, I included my phone number (which hasn't changed in over ten years), new address and E-mail address.
Then, this past weeks events occurred -- or not, depending on ones perspective -- where I reached out to her (via two telephone calls where I left two messages) to let her know I was thinking about her on the ten year anniversary of her sons death.
I have a rock in my heart for what she's been through and cannot begin to imagine her grief.
So, the forgiveness and understanding is indeed present in me.
It's simply the rejection and pride that's smarting.
So, there's nothing left to do but continue to hope and wait.
In other familial news of rejection:
I received some pictures via E-mail of my brother's family in Kansas. They have a nice piece of property and were kite flying.
I LOVE getting family pictures and have tried so hard to remain a part of this family by keeping them posted on what's going on with me and my clan.
Nine times out of ten there is no response.
Once again, being a 'yours, mine and ours' baby has had it's ill effects on my psyche and my place within my birth family and, once again, my
The following is the E-mail I wrote to my sister-in-law, 'K', in response to receiving said pictures:
"Those are very nice pictures, 'K'. You guys have a lovely piece of property and seem to know how to make the most out of it. I haven't flown a kite for years -- although, quite a few people have told me over time to go fly one! :D
L---- [my youngest niece, K's daughter) is lovely -- what a beautiful young lady she's turning out to be. I wish I could see my nieces and nephews more. Of course, that would actually require my leaving my house at some point. Hmmm. Must ponder that some more later.
I am actually going to be seeing V---- [my brother that lives about 45 minutes from me] and his brood on Saturday April 10th: the Gas Co. is participating in the MS Walk in Irvine so he asked family and friends to join him and his company to walk for MS. This is something I'm passionate about and am looking forward to, in addition to seeing V---- and A------ [my brother and his wife] for the first time since L--- and A- (my niece, K's daughter, and her husband) came out last year.
Normally I'm volunteering at the MS Walk I participate in (will be the same this year in my third annual Walk) and don't get to actually go and walk so I'm looking forward to this.
Then, the next day, April 11th, is M's [my great niece, V's granddaughter] 3rd birthday party.
Normally I am content to just stay home and avoid the 'outside world' and all the meanies in it -- ha! -- in my well tended to bubble I've created for myself here at home. So, at least I'm attempting to break my hermit crab habits. My therapist will be so proud!
Ed and B want us to move to a bigger place with some property but I'm quite content in my little two bedroom house on the hill. We're surrounded by foothills and while we do have neighbors, of course, we're not all right on top of one another like we were in our old house/neighborhood. I love feeding the squirrels and birds and seeing a coyote just randomly walk by now and then.
I'm not a big fan of change and am more than pleased to simply be content with what we have.
To me, change equals turmoil. My therapist LOVES me, let me tell you. He told me to step outside of myself and do something nice for me which caused me further stress and anxiety--ha!
Anyway, I'll quit being verbose and sucking up all your time and energy on my neurosis and psyche. It's no fun being in MY head, let me tell you.
Thank you, again, for the pictures -- I always like seeing how big the kids are and watching your family grow and have fun.
You guys have done good.
My love to all,
The above written is my attempt at inviting communication between us -- with my self-deprecating humor -- other than the occasional pictures, Christmas greetings, forwarded joke or political commentary.
I was simply inviting them into my world since we're all so far apart and don't get to see each other often.
In other news of the narcissism that is my thought patterns, I am also feeling rejection by the MS Society of all things.
WALK THE WALK
The past two Walks seasons, I have given up actually doing the Walk to volunteer on the Walk site which, let me be clear, I am HAPPY to do. The MS Society is one I can -- and do -- get behind wholeheartedly.
Year one I ran the T-shirt booth where if one raised X amount of dollars, they got a slip at registration and brought it to the booth where we handed them the MS Walk '08 T-shirt.
Then, last year I was joined by B (my son), his then (and now kind of-sort of) girlfriend/good friend where the three of us worked at one of the registration booths while my 75 year old Mom worked the V.I.P. tent.
The V.I.P. tent contained muffins, coffee, juice, candy, etc. and a lunch of pizza and soda for those who, again, raised X amount of dollars. My Mom is a born organizer and hostess and did a wonderful job setting everything up.
This shaded area with tables and chairs under a big tent was perfect for her. It made her feel useful and she was able to sit down when needed and just enjoy the live band and the people. It made her feel a part of something.
This year there are new people working at the MS office for my area. I have been in consistent touch with them in regards to this, that and the other thing regarding this years Walk, raffle and the upcoming camp.
I have let them know time and again that the V.I.P. booth was ran really well by my Mom (she got compliments last year) and that she would very much enjoy being part of that again.
I was told by one gal that she would likely have me in registration and for me to contact the new volunteer coordinator.
I did so and let her know that whether it be registration, prize fulfillment booth...whatever, that I am indeed available and am only too happy to go where I'm needed.
I also let both of these gals know that my Mom is available once again for the V.I.P. booth....but was notified yesterday that they had other plans for us.
They instead want my Mom and I to work in a booth where we encourage people to sign up and pledge to raise $1000.00 for next years Walk.
My first reaction? Truthfully? This is a bullshit position. Don't you know what I do, how much I've raised, donated, volunteered and you're going to put me and my now 76 year old Mom in an unpopular position of high tactic sales?????
Are you kidding me?
But....I want to be a good sport. These people employ me once a year to work at their camp and I feel so blessed and honored to be allowed to do so.
I really don't want to act like an egotistical, spoiled, entitled, petulant child not getting her way.
My feelings are simply hurt -- as is my Moms.
However, I didn't say anything in reply other than we'll happily be there with bells on.
So, I'm going to compromise: we'll go to the Walk site this year and graciously do what they ask and next year? I will simply, and finally, just do the Walk.
Once again, thoughts and suggestions -- good, bad or indifferent (they will ALL be posted regardless if you agree with me or not) -- are welcome and encouraged.