Tuesday, April 27, 2010
LIFE AND OTHER CASUALTIES
Hi, all. To borrow my good friend Steven Anthony's blog title, I offer 'no excuse, no explanation' for my blog absence.
It's just life and re-prioritizing that keeps me away and my ever waning interest in doing things that once brought me joy.
Not that I don't still enjoy blogging or reading others' blogs, I have just been cutting back on Internet time and replacing it with pensiveness.
When that happens, inevitably other areas in my life suffer. I used to be good at compartmentalizing: family, me time, Internet, errands, etc. Now it's all just once big infrastructure where it forces me to manage my time better.
For example; yesterday I pulled some weeds and unwanted grass in my planters and trimmed my palm frawns, and just this morning instead of turning on the T.V. and./or blogging right away, I did a little dusting and straightening up in the living room.
I've realized that things have become unmanageable and that I'm guilty of sucking up major air and being useless. This no longer gels with me nor my family. So, I'm attempting some positive change.
Welcome to the life of depression and anxiety.
Speaking of which, I had another therapists appointment on Friday where he encouraged some exercise when I know there is a particular time of day when my anxiety levels rise: he encouraged me to go walking an hour or two before those times to raise my endorphin levels, so I'm going to try and make use of that.
We also spoke of my blogging in which I may have been too forth coming and indiscreet in informing certain people in my life that I blog which then makes me question others motives and sincerity when asked for my blogs link.
Censoring myself goes against everything I believe in so I now have to live with my choices and indiscretion.
However, he did say my 'wariness' and questioning of motives is indeed valid considering I receive no or little feedback from certain people which sends my anxiety levels and paranoia sky rocketing, with my then posing the following questions to myself: Do they think I'm certifiable? Why do they not send a note of encouragement/support/empathy? Are they all talking about me? Do they see me as narcissistic? Pathetic? Needy?
What I see as inviting others into my life to encourage them to do the same with me, may come across to others as something completely different.
I mentioned to one family member recently that when Ed and I were going through our VERY rough months last year that I would have simply liked for someone to have reached out to us and say; "I'm so sorry. Please know we're thinking of you and hoping for a positive outcome".
That's it. Nothing more.
I would never ask anyone for monetary help and when I encourage others to be involved in our lives, it's simply me wanting to be a part of theirs as well. I don't know what's going on in their lives because they don't share that with me except for the occasional get together and holiday phone calls/newsletters. Where I'm an open book, they are not. This is why 'Facebook' didn't work for me. I want to know more other than whether or not one likes ice cream, is craving a pastrami sandwich or just posting that picture of your new mani/pedi and girls night out.
Whereas they perhaps need to be more open to me and accepting and encouraging of me, I need to also learn to accept them as they are. As I've said before, I need to learn to nurture the relationships I do have and not lament the ones I don't.
It's all seems a bit hypocritical at times and I suppose I'm simply saying to them let's care about each other all year long and not just on national holidays.
There's a great line from Jane Austen's 'Sense And Sensibility' that is befitting to what I'm referring: "Our situations then are precisely alike. We have neither of us any thing to tell: you because you communicate nothing, and I because I conceal nothing."
Perhaps Ed and I had to go through what we did last year for me to completely understand that and for me to want to reach out and enlighten others on humanity, not just in my MS cause or other charities we may be involved in, but with one another.
We're throwing B a 20th birthday party on the 15th of May -- I have, for the first time, invited family members (via E-vites) into our new home (we've been here almost two years) for this occasion in the hopes that people will see us for who we are. So far the response from family has been underwhelming to nil.
People have busy lives; they have careers, family close by, children and events of their own to plan. I get that. Regardless, I'm hoping the 15th will bring about some much needed change and understanding.
So, we'll see. This is giving me something hopeful to concentrate on.
In other somewhat related news, I am unable to take the 'Paxil' that was prescribed by my physician due to my neurological seizures (Glossopharyngeal Neuralgia) and am now on the prowl for something that is safe for me to take.
One step forward, two back.
I have also eliminated my '90 Days' blog because I simply cannot keep up -- it was turning into 90 weeks, months, etc. While I will continue with the process of reading the book '90 Days To A New Life Direction' by Laura Berman Fortgang, I found that by keeping up with it on blog proved to be too much -- I'm looking to simply simplify.
For those of you who followed it, my apologies.
I will attempt to be back more regularly and am now off to read and catch up on a few blogs.
Thank you all for your never ending support.
Much love, peace, happiness and serenity.
~Jo (and Ed, too!) :)