Tuesday, April 27, 2010

LIFE AND OTHER CASUALTIES


Hi, all. To borrow my good friend Steven Anthony's blog title, I offer 'no excuse, no explanation' for my blog absence.

It's just life and re-prioritizing that keeps me away and my ever waning interest in doing things that once brought me joy.

Not that I don't still enjoy blogging or reading others' blogs, I have just been cutting back on Internet time and replacing it with pensiveness.

When that happens, inevitably other areas in my life suffer. I used to be good at compartmentalizing: family, me time, Internet, errands, etc. Now it's all just once big infrastructure where it forces me to manage my time better.

For example; yesterday I pulled some weeds and unwanted grass in my planters and trimmed my palm frawns, and just this morning instead of turning on the T.V. and./or blogging right away, I did a little dusting and straightening up in the living room.

I've realized that things have become unmanageable and that I'm guilty of sucking up major air and being useless. This no longer gels with me nor my family. So, I'm attempting some positive change.

Welcome to the life of depression and anxiety.

Speaking of which, I had another therapists appointment on Friday where he encouraged some exercise when I know there is a particular time of day when my anxiety levels rise: he encouraged me to go walking an hour or two before those times to raise my endorphin levels, so I'm going to try and make use of that.

We also spoke of my blogging in which I may have been too forth coming and indiscreet in informing certain people in my life that I blog which then makes me question others motives and sincerity when asked for my blogs link.

Censoring myself goes against everything I believe in so I now have to live with my choices and indiscretion.

However, he did say my 'wariness' and questioning of motives is indeed valid considering I receive no or little feedback from certain people which sends my anxiety levels and paranoia sky rocketing, with my then posing the following questions to myself: Do they think I'm certifiable? Why do they not send a note of encouragement/support/empathy? Are they all talking about me? Do they see me as narcissistic? Pathetic? Needy?

What I see as inviting others into my life to encourage them to do the same with me, may come across to others as something completely different.

I mentioned to one family member recently that when Ed and I were going through our VERY rough months last year that I would have simply liked for someone to have reached out to us and say; "I'm so sorry. Please know we're thinking of you and hoping for a positive outcome".

That's it. Nothing more.

I would never ask anyone for monetary help and when I encourage others to be involved in our lives, it's simply me wanting to be a part of theirs as well. I don't know what's going on in their lives because they don't share that with me except for the occasional get together and holiday phone calls/newsletters. Where I'm an open book, they are not. This is why 'Facebook' didn't work for me. I want to know more other than whether or not one likes ice cream, is craving a pastrami sandwich or just posting that picture of your new mani/pedi and girls night out.

Whereas they perhaps need to be more open to me and accepting and encouraging of me, I need to also learn to accept them as they are. As I've said before, I need to learn to nurture the relationships I do have and not lament the ones I don't.

It's all seems a bit hypocritical at times and I suppose I'm simply saying to them let's care about each other all year long and not just on national holidays.

There's a great line from Jane Austen's 'Sense And Sensibility' that is befitting to what I'm referring: "Our situations then are precisely alike. We have neither of us any thing to tell: you because you communicate nothing, and I because I conceal nothing."

Perhaps Ed and I had to go through what we did last year for me to completely understand that and for me to want to reach out and enlighten others on humanity, not just in my MS cause or other charities we may be involved in, but with one another.

We're throwing B a 20th birthday party on the 15th of May -- I have, for the first time, invited family members (via E-vites) into our new home (we've been here almost two years) for this occasion in the hopes that people will see us for who we are. So far the response from family has been underwhelming to nil.

People have busy lives; they have careers, family close by, children and events of their own to plan. I get that. Regardless, I'm hoping the 15th will bring about some much needed change and understanding.

So, we'll see. This is giving me something hopeful to concentrate on.

In other somewhat related news, I am unable to take the 'Paxil' that was prescribed by my physician due to my neurological seizures (Glossopharyngeal Neuralgia) and am now on the prowl for something that is safe for me to take.

One step forward, two back.

I have also eliminated my '90 Days' blog because I simply cannot keep up -- it was turning into 90 weeks, months, etc. While I will continue with the process of reading the book '90 Days To A New Life Direction' by Laura Berman Fortgang, I found that by keeping up with it on blog proved to be too much -- I'm looking to simply simplify.

For those of you who followed it, my apologies.

I will attempt to be back more regularly and am now off to read and catch up on a few blogs.

Thank you all for your never ending support.

Much love, peace, happiness and serenity.
~Jo (and Ed, too!) :)

11 comments:

Meeko Fabulous said...

Dear heart, I hope you know I'm here for you! :) I know life gets busy and in the way. I'm only ever an e-mail away! :)

Steven Anthony said...

I adore you and your honesty...and I know Im only your adopted bro, but always remember I KNOW how awesome you are;)

big big hugs;)

Jo said...

My brothers from another mother-- I echo your sentiments right back to you and couldn't feel more pleased to have you both in my life.

Thank you for your encouragemnt, friendship and support!

OOXX

Nedine Says said...

I can identify with so much of what you are going through and what you have gone through, especially the family stuff, drama etc.. It is the unusual person that can start to change themselves and in turn their situation and outlook. Good for you! Peace.

InspiredDreamer said...

I too had a blogging hiatis for a while. I kept up with my scheduled posts but that was it. I finally sat down and had a talk with myself (isn't it funny when we have to do that?) and decided that blogging IS something I love to do, and as such I am going to schedule it into my day. Funny how we have to schedule something we LIKE doing. Oh well, I pray that you will find peace and joy in the little things today, so you will have more fodder for blogging tomorrow. :)

Have an Extraordinary Day!

miltaryman64 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
miltaryman64 said...

jojojojo , i guess its time for my cameo.i leave stepford for awhie and i see your running a muck. i agree life can be depressing and full of anxiety for some, but it's how we handle it.only the strong survive and you have shown you metal time and time again. when life knocks you down you have 2 choices get back in the fight or die and i have been on my azz many times and it desnt get any ezr.even though i love stepford and you do to,being here in a 3rd world place, we have a good life at any level in america. p.s i still have faith youll stop being a dem and you will join me in the darkside. also you didnt need to go to a therapist to find out your crazy . all you had to do was ask me :) also once again i love those big words.other than that i hope you n the fam are doinng ok... your pal pat

Andrea said...

Continue speaking your heart and do NOT worry about what others think..I know that is easier said than done, but it is your job to worry about your own emotional health and being honest with yourself.
Blessings, hugs, and prayers,
andrea

Jaynie Martin said...

well as you know jo i know all about the depression etc... and sadly about the family thing too i have a HUGE family but where are they?? they live nearby and i see them when they require things of me, during my illness when i became a recluse from life i never saw one person no one phoned to see if i was ok or needed a pint of milk and some of my 'caring' family drove by my house most days ... so see your cloning me again ha ha ha Like you i think they should be participating in my life and i keep making efforts but recently i decided those who are closest to me are the ones i should be concentrating on those who are there for me not those that pass me by till they want some thing for no return !
always love reading your blogs xxx

Jayne Martin said...

Jo, hugs are a good source of endorphins, too, and I'm sending you a big one, so wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze. You cannot live your life according to what others may or may not think. Come from your own truth and your own integrity and you will attract those who are like-minded.

I've walked in your shoes and may have to do so again, so believe me when I tell you it will be okay.

- Jayne

Stephen said...

It is great to visit you again...
you have incredible empathy from me. We now live on 40% less than we did just 3 years ago. My bankruptcywas finalized in January. My Husband is stll working on adequate settlements with his creditors, we both have had medical expenses that were surprises.... well, you know the drill.
I am on meds for depression.
Thanks for sharing yout feelings & expereinces. You are doing a great job with your writing. Keep your pecker up, little camper!

Our Steven is such a great guy, huh?