Monday, March 15, 2010

A NON-QUIXOTIC VIEW



Today I had my third therapists appointment.

I found myself flailing topic wise -- I had in my mind a whole list of things that I felt vital to my recovery that perhaps gave clues as to who I have become that just sort of escaped me once I arrived on that couch.

My session was disjointed but that's likely representative about how I feel about my life as of late.

One of the things I tried desperately to remember to talk about -- and of course, it wasn't until a little while I ago that it finally dawned on me -- was that I never thought of life as quixotic -- 'Utopian' if you will.

I'm not a 'romanticizer'. Growing up, I didn't think 'Prince Charming' would come and sweep me away on his white horse and set up house in the castle.

I always simply thought I would marry a nice, decent man (and I have) and that would be that.

So, I can't say that life has disappointed me per se because I had little or no expectations -- I always just wanted and needed to be okay.

The fact that I'm pretty f***ing far from okay....I'm not sure what this means anymore.

Remember my post 'SAD HOUSEWIFE NO LONGER'? Apparently, I'm full of shit. Whatever this is, I just can't seem to shake it.

He asked me to also think about what has me so 'angry'.

Again, blank.

I did relay to him an argument I had with my 'oldest son' a few days ago when I sent him out on an errand on Ed's behalf and asked about the quantity of what he bought back.

I wanted my money's worth.

What I got was him teasing me; "Nope. this is what you paid for -- it's all their is" to which I didn't take kindly. Turned out he was 'joshing me' but I flipped out with my 'oldest son' then looking at me with a puppy dog face and saying; "I can't believe you don't trust me."

I told my therapist that Ed and B kind of took his side and that I resented this because it's not about trust, it simply boils down to money. I told our 'oldest son' that while he was away at school last year that he didn't get to experience us at our lowest low; bare fridge and cupboards, us scared, etc.

My therapist then told me that his 'joshing me' doesn't need to be going on. It's simply not funny and basically they need to back off and give me some space on this to work out my money issues.

Why is it a virtual stranger understands my perspective but my own family can't?

Interesting.

They seem to see me as little more than a shrew and a harpie who yells -- they don't see the source of how frightened I still am to lose even more, to still have that other shoe drop.

So, I need to make a list when I think of things; carry a note pad and remember further points of topic that can give him and I clues as to how I can recover.

He also told me it may be time for me to think about the meds for my anxiety and depression.

I've tried the teas and while they make me feel warm and fuzzy inside for a time, it's really only a temporary fix. I think I am recognizing that I am not going to be cured by a grocery store buy.

I'm all for homeopathic and prefer to go natural, however, unless someone has another suggestion (I'm still going to look into 'St. John's Wart'), I think I may need to go pharmaceutical on this.

That's all for today.

Love you all. Will spend tomorrow morning catching up on what is new with you all.

Peace and serenity,
~Jo

13 comments:

Andrea said...

I, too am all for holistic, however sometimes we need more. I often hate surrendering to pharmaceuticals, but I do "when necessary."

I agree with the therapist..they should not tease you. However, I think the underlying key is fear. His teasing you about money jars you to the core b/c of this past year and it would anyone! I can tell you and my hubby would tell you..I would not do well with that kind of teasing either and it is b/c of some of my past experiences.

Hang in there!! Hugs, andrea

Steven Anthony said...

Im just proud of you my friend, because you keep moving forward, even when you dont always feel like it... keep it up lady:)

hugs

Crystal Escobar said...

Wow, it sounds like you've been through a lot but are determined to come out of it. Good for you!
What natural products are you using for anxiety may I ask? I'm going on vacation soon and am so afraid to fly these days. So, if I could take something for my flight that would help calm my nerves would be great!
Anyway, thank you for visitin my blog. I'm now following you :)

Meeko Fabulous said...

I'm glad you got a supportive therapist. I quit going to mine cause the bitch kept siding with everyone else. LoL

Deconstruction said...

I just started reading your blog (hi from IFB, by the way) but I think you are very strong for dealing with your problems in the manner that you are. Note everyone would be able to cope this way and I think your attitude is a big part of what will get you through everything.

A 2 Z said...

Bonjour,

Passing by from SITS. At first I thought your blog was decorated for St.Patrick's Day but then realized its part of your theme. Bankruptcy does a number on our sanity. I remember how it feels. I was divorced when I was 30 and was left pennyless. He was 10 years older and an accountant. He took everything. It was really putting one foot in front of the other and keeping the faith. Last year I read A New Earth - Awakening to your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle. Its in paper back. Its a recipe to live in the "now" because this is where happiness is.
Take care,

Anne-Mare

☆•*¨*•.¸¸❤❤¸.•*¨*•☆☆♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ☆•*¨*•.¸¸❤❤¸.•*¨*•☆

Elle said...

It sounds like you are making some great progres--you should be proud of that!!

I hope that your husband and son can begin to understand why it is that you feel the way you do. There's a lot of pressure in always waiting for the other shoe to drop (I've been there too), and it's hard to trust that it probably won't ever happen again.

I, too, am one that tries to go homeopathic where I can, but sometimes it's just not enough. You've recognized that you need help, and you've started the process with therapy. If meds are the next step, there's no shame in that.

If you had a raging infection that could only be cured by antibiotics, you'd take them, right? The same rule applies here. Depression is an illness, and sometimes medication can help make it better.

justme said...

Hi! Like Crystal, I too am interested in what holistic products you are using for your anxiety. You mentioned teas ... do you mind sharing? Sorry this is my first time commenting. I have been lurking both this blog and your previous one, however.

Ms Bibi said...

I am so happy that you found great support in your therapist.

I don't like drugs, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.My diabetic son is also gifted ADHD child and without drugs he wouldn't reach the potential his brain is offering him. So after few years of misery and research we went with drugs and changed his life.

You need to do what makes you feel better and comfortable.

LRHG said...

Visiting from SITS and just wanted to wish you well. Praying you will know peace very soon!

♥ Katinka said...

Stopping by from SITS :) Have a wonderful Wednesday!!!!

nikki said...

I am proud of your ability to admit you needed help. You sought it out and you are trying hard. I wish I had all the answers. I do know that through out my day I go up and down. I start dwelling on the big issue in my life, then I tell myself to focus on the good. I do find alot more enjoyment just being outside in the sun. I love hearing the birds and seeing blue skies. I really hope you find some peace and indeed I wish you don't have to find it in a bottle. You are a great person, a very nice human being who cares about others. I am thinking of you always. Always!

GregoryJ said...

I've been on a number of different meds for depression. I don't remember the names of very many. I'm taking Effexor XR now. I was taking two, but cut myself down to one and that seems okay. When I tried to cut down to one every other day, that didn't seem right, so I guess it does help some.
I've been to several shrinks too. I don't know that any really helped me. The last one I saw really bothered me. I felt much worse after a session.
I'm not a good therapy subject, because I don't like to talk much.
I hope you keep working at it. It sounds like you have a good guy.

All the best for you, JO. You deserve it.