Monday, March 15, 2010
A NON-QUIXOTIC VIEW
Today I had my third therapists appointment.
I found myself flailing topic wise -- I had in my mind a whole list of things that I felt vital to my recovery that perhaps gave clues as to who I have become that just sort of escaped me once I arrived on that couch.
My session was disjointed but that's likely representative about how I feel about my life as of late.
One of the things I tried desperately to remember to talk about -- and of course, it wasn't until a little while I ago that it finally dawned on me -- was that I never thought of life as quixotic -- 'Utopian' if you will.
I'm not a 'romanticizer'. Growing up, I didn't think 'Prince Charming' would come and sweep me away on his white horse and set up house in the castle.
I always simply thought I would marry a nice, decent man (and I have) and that would be that.
So, I can't say that life has disappointed me per se because I had little or no expectations -- I always just wanted and needed to be okay.
The fact that I'm pretty f***ing far from okay....I'm not sure what this means anymore.
Remember my post 'SAD HOUSEWIFE NO LONGER'? Apparently, I'm full of shit. Whatever this is, I just can't seem to shake it.
He asked me to also think about what has me so 'angry'.
I did relay to him an argument I had with my 'oldest son' a few days ago when I sent him out on an errand on Ed's behalf and asked about the quantity of what he bought back.
I wanted my money's worth.
What I got was him teasing me; "Nope. this is what you paid for -- it's all their is" to which I didn't take kindly. Turned out he was 'joshing me' but I flipped out with my 'oldest son' then looking at me with a puppy dog face and saying; "I can't believe you don't trust me."
I told my therapist that Ed and B kind of took his side and that I resented this because it's not about trust, it simply boils down to money. I told our 'oldest son' that while he was away at school last year that he didn't get to experience us at our lowest low; bare fridge and cupboards, us scared, etc.
My therapist then told me that his 'joshing me' doesn't need to be going on. It's simply not funny and basically they need to back off and give me some space on this to work out my money issues.
Why is it a virtual stranger understands my perspective but my own family can't?
They seem to see me as little more than a shrew and a harpie who yells -- they don't see the source of how frightened I still am to lose even more, to still have that other shoe drop.
So, I need to make a list when I think of things; carry a note pad and remember further points of topic that can give him and I clues as to how I can recover.
He also told me it may be time for me to think about the meds for my anxiety and depression.
I've tried the teas and while they make me feel warm and fuzzy inside for a time, it's really only a temporary fix. I think I am recognizing that I am not going to be cured by a grocery store buy.
I'm all for homeopathic and prefer to go natural, however, unless someone has another suggestion (I'm still going to look into 'St. John's Wart'), I think I may need to go pharmaceutical on this.
That's all for today.
Love you all. Will spend tomorrow morning catching up on what is new with you all.
Peace and serenity,