Monday, March 15, 2010

THE ART OF AVOIDANCE



Lately my 'little blog that could' has been devoid of the personal information it was initially founded on.

I have also been neglectful of getting over to visit my friends' blogs, pick up awards, etc.

Once again, I find myself unable to manage my time properly and when I find that I need to get to something, I feel overwhelmed and avoidance becomes my companion.

Anyone else have this problem????

I don't feel like that visiting a friends blog is work per se, so, please don't misunderstand me. Again, my issue simply lies with being unable to manage my time and how much I want and need to put into things comes second to the ramblings in my head; what I need to do, when I need to do it, how much time should I/can I put in, etc.

The next thing I know, it is mid-afternoon and my day, like every other, has been one of un-productiveness.

I say I'm going to do something but I have issues with finishing what I start.

I just posted on my '90 Days' blog which I hadn't done for TWO WEEKS. Why? No idea. It all comes down, I suppose, to what I just typed above. You can get to my '90 Days' blog by the blog button on my sidebar.

I find I am exhausted beyond belief. Yesterday especially was horrible and today I am equally physically tired. My body doesn't want to move which requires help from my brain which seems equally inactive.

I don't have small children anymore so what excuses could I possibly have that would justify my flightiness????

I suppose this is part of why I am in therapy. To get a grip.

I have a therapy session today in which I need to leave for in about 45 minutes. I'm good when I get there but getting there is a whole other issue.

I recently asked B what he sees as my needs to discuss with my therapist. I needed an example of what others see. It's one thing to have needs in my head that need to be addressed, it's a whole other to have other people see something else.

B sees me as angry -- as does Ed.

Fair enough.

I still have issues with money and when I have to spend it, it upsets me. If I send someone else out there to get something for me, I immediately jump down their throats about content, quantity, how much was spent, my receipts and my change.

I just can't seem to help it.

If I'm asked a question in which my answer isn't fully understood, I find myself yelling with everyone then asking me; 'Why in Gods name are you yelling at us?'

Again, I just can't seem to help it. Poor excuse, I know. Really, I KNOW.

Of course, logically I know a simple solution to this would be to do things myself, but I'm simply too exhausted to do so.

Not just tired -- exhausted to the point where I can't seem to move or do so very slowly.

Part of it is also the fear that if I leave my house, something 'bad' is sure to happen. So, I avoid life.

My Glossopharyngeal Neuralgia issues have -- thank God! -- subsided (until the next time when it decides to make it's appearance) but left my body feeling weary and seemingly unable to motivate itself to do much of anything.

This is likely the depression and anxiety also.

I do think it a good thing I have an appointment today -- now, if I can just get someone to carry me there piggy back, all would be right and just in my world.

In other news, on Saturday I received a donation for the 'MS WAlk' raffle I participate in. Steven Anthony from 'No Excuse. No Explanation' handmade a beautiful necklace, earrings and bracelet. I'll download the picture later today after my therapy appointment for you all to admire because he really is truly exceptional in what he does.

Enclosed in the package was also two gorgeous necklaces he made for me with the loveliest note I think anyone has ever written to me.

I don't know what touched me more.

I was in tears with the kindness extended to me and just so very grateful.

For now, I'm off to get ready for my appointment and will return later with more news.

Thank you all for your never ending support and love. Gregory, thank you also in advance for the 'Lord Of The Rings' book set for my raffle.

Everyone's kindness and generosity warms my heart leaving me without the proper words to convey.

7 comments:

Steven Anthony said...

I see you my friend as a lady who had the rug pulled out from under her...you are now dealing with the aftermath, I feel you need to give yourself a break and stop expecting everything to go back to "normal" over night, life is a process my friend...you are strong(lava stone) just give yourself time to heal.

luv and hugs;)

Shannon said...

Sweetie, just breathe...it is all gonna work itself out...now you go and talk with that therapist and don't worry yourself...we will be here when you are done! God bless!

Elle said...

I, too, am guilty of practicing avoidance when I'm overwhelmed. You're only human. The exhaustion thing? No good!! Totally understandable though--with the medical issues and the depression and anxiety.

I'm experiencing that myself, and I know for me that the exhaustion is the depression creeping in and getting a little heavier, which gets worse when my allergies flair up because I get sick of being sick and feel like a failure for being sick and exhausted all the time, and then it's just a vicious, vicious cycle.

Hang in there, hon. Hope the appointment goes well today!

GregoryJ said...

You are far from alone. I know that I avoid things and put things off.

And sometimes, I just don't feel like posting or even feel like reading other blogs.

Don't beat yourself up. Love is patient. We'll take you in your own time. You are well worth the wait.

Meeko Fabulous said...

OMG I totally know what you mean! I refuse to sit at the computer over the weekend because I work on the computer all week long. Usually I catch up on my blogs over my morning coffee, but lately I've been rushing about and work has been insane too! I know, I know . . . I was up the street from you, but you were up the street from me the other day, so let's call it even, yes? I'll buy you coffee when we meet up! :)

Jaynie Martin said...

As you know jo im a struggling to recover depressive :/ i often read your blog and think its me im reading about, i have huge avoidance issues and only forced at the last minute by necessity to deal with the matter or if i can pass to someone else all the better. I have learned the anger thing with me turns out to be more that im angry with myself because i cant do the things and have to rely on others i then end up jumping on them for no reason knowing this doesnt stop me but im learning.
Im continually exhausted too for no real reason, right to the extent i often dont want to get out of bed ..again only necessity forcing me to do so, but its an endless tiredness.
My issues are different to yours jo but all else seems to be much the same, i know many dont understand even family but they are there and will support even if they dont know why cos they love us as we love them :)xxx stay strong x

Nedine Says said...

Sometimes I think going 4 rounds with Mike Tyson would be easier than dealing with the inside of my head on any given day. Your mind can exhaust you more than you like to admit.