Thursday, March 25, 2010
Hi, all. I took a breather yesterday after our bankruptcy discharge notice so as I can just breathe and absorb all that has occurred.
I'm still not sure it's sunk in completely but I'm getting there.
To everyone who has supported me through this journey, your gift of friendship has been truly uplifting when I needed it most and immeasurable beyond words.
This morning I received a disturbing E-mail from a very good blog friend whom I will only refer to as 'G' so as to protect their privacy.
In the subject title was the words "I lost it" and the content of said E-mail was as follows:
"Time to quit.
Thanks for everything.
This is a person who, like myself, suffers from depression, and so whilst trying not to overreact, I admit to being quite concerned about my friend who has been so good and supportive of me that I felt it necessary to address this issue publicly.
Depression doesn't have a rhyme or reason. It just is.
In my case -- and I can only speak for myself -- it crept up on me with my sudden loss of joy in life. The joy I used to have was replaced by fear.
Of course, my therapist and I attribute this to the loss and emotional toll this past [almost] two years took on my frail psyche.
The fact that B has had two fender benders in less than a month -- the most recent case by a stolen car who hit and ran him leaving me car-less (not that I go anywhere much) so he can get back and forth to school and us with $600.00 damages to repair on our own due to us not being able to afford uninsured motorists -- certainly hasn't helped.
I had several fender benders last year, too, due to my anxiety.
So, I simply and, in my mind, quite logically avoid leaving my house unless necessary -- and the energy it takes to be this neurotic is as times crippling to the point of physical pain.
Depression's partner, in my case, is anxiety. Anxiety at the thought of having to interact with the unknown, the chance that something bad will befall me should I leave the well created and tended to bubble of my existence.
I make excuses not to walk, not to go my in-laws, the movies with my Mom and/or family, not to go to baby showers, birthday parties, bar-b-ques, etc. I would just rather not.
This disappoints the people in my life, naturally, who might see me as aloof and uncaring as to their needs.
I shake uncontrollably and stall when I have to do my banking, grocery shopping, etc. I send B out as much as I can to do my 'dirty work' as it's just unbearable to the point where I don't know if my family even recognizes how bad it is.
Even talking on the phone sends me into a rattling incoherent nervous wreck and my memory and cohesive thought takes forefront to logical conversation and thinking.
The truth and the real kicker here in regards to depression and anxiety is that nothing bad has to happen for it to rear it's vengeful head and for me to feel this way.
Nothing has to happen to make it a bad day.
Again, it just is.
I have, as of yet, chosen not to go the med route. I'm also now recognizing, however, that meds is in my near future for the betterment of myself and those around me.
So, to my friend 'G', I don't know what happened for you to shut down your blog by eliminating all traces that you were even here.
However, I know you were here because you reached out to me in sincere kindness and support leaving an imprint.
I understand all too well the toll depression takes and that those around you, whether in blog or life, may not completely ever understand.
I also know that all it takes is one nasty, negative comment to send me into a tailspin of defensiveness, and while it deflates me for a time, it was you and my other good blog friends who picked me back up, dusted me off and kicked me in my rear when I badly needed a boot back there!
I'm here for you. You have my E-mail. Know I'm thinking about you and sending good vibes your way and am hoping that once you absorb whatever it is you're going through that you will indeed return to us.
We'll be here.
Peace and serenity,