Thursday, March 25, 2010

ABSORPTION



Hi, all. I took a breather yesterday after our bankruptcy discharge notice so as I can just breathe and absorb all that has occurred.

I'm still not sure it's sunk in completely but I'm getting there.

To everyone who has supported me through this journey, your gift of friendship has been truly uplifting when I needed it most and immeasurable beyond words.

This morning I received a disturbing E-mail from a very good blog friend whom I will only refer to as 'G' so as to protect their privacy.

In the subject title was the words "I lost it" and the content of said E-mail was as follows:

"Time to quit.

Thanks for everything.

Take care,

G."


This is a person who, like myself, suffers from depression, and so whilst trying not to overreact, I admit to being quite concerned about my friend who has been so good and supportive of me that I felt it necessary to address this issue publicly.

Depression doesn't have a rhyme or reason. It just is.

In my case -- and I can only speak for myself -- it crept up on me with my sudden loss of joy in life. The joy I used to have was replaced by fear.

Of course, my therapist and I attribute this to the loss and emotional toll this past [almost] two years took on my frail psyche.

The fact that B has had two fender benders in less than a month -- the most recent case by a stolen car who hit and ran him leaving me car-less (not that I go anywhere much) so he can get back and forth to school and us with $600.00 damages to repair on our own due to us not being able to afford uninsured motorists -- certainly hasn't helped.

I had several fender benders last year, too, due to my anxiety.

So, I simply and, in my mind, quite logically avoid leaving my house unless necessary -- and the energy it takes to be this neurotic is as times crippling to the point of physical pain.

Depression's partner, in my case, is anxiety. Anxiety at the thought of having to interact with the unknown, the chance that something bad will befall me should I leave the well created and tended to bubble of my existence.

I make excuses not to walk, not to go my in-laws, the movies with my Mom and/or family, not to go to baby showers, birthday parties, bar-b-ques, etc. I would just rather not.

This disappoints the people in my life, naturally, who might see me as aloof and uncaring as to their needs.

I shake uncontrollably and stall when I have to do my banking, grocery shopping, etc. I send B out as much as I can to do my 'dirty work' as it's just unbearable to the point where I don't know if my family even recognizes how bad it is.

Even talking on the phone sends me into a rattling incoherent nervous wreck and my memory and cohesive thought takes forefront to logical conversation and thinking.

The truth and the real kicker here in regards to depression and anxiety is that nothing bad has to happen for it to rear it's vengeful head and for me to feel this way.

Nothing has to happen to make it a bad day.

Again, it just is.

I have, as of yet, chosen not to go the med route. I'm also now recognizing, however, that meds is in my near future for the betterment of myself and those around me.

So, to my friend 'G', I don't know what happened for you to shut down your blog by eliminating all traces that you were even here.

However, I know you were here because you reached out to me in sincere kindness and support leaving an imprint.

I understand all too well the toll depression takes and that those around you, whether in blog or life, may not completely ever understand.

I also know that all it takes is one nasty, negative comment to send me into a tailspin of defensiveness, and while it deflates me for a time, it was you and my other good blog friends who picked me back up, dusted me off and kicked me in my rear when I badly needed a boot back there!

I'm here for you. You have my E-mail. Know I'm thinking about you and sending good vibes your way and am hoping that once you absorb whatever it is you're going through that you will indeed return to us.

We'll be here.

Stay strong.

Peace and serenity,
~Jo

13 comments:

Meeko Fabulous said...

I hope everything works out ok. I know how terrible depression and anxiety can be.

Elle said...

Oh, wonderful, beautiful, Jo! This is such a beautiful, heart wrenching, and honest post. I really hope your friend is able to, as you so eloquently put it, absorb whatever it is, to regain strength, and to move forward.

I agree with everything you've said on the depression and anxiety. I've made the excuses, I've avoided people, I've been accused of not caring, I've had panic attacks in public, and I've hung up on people during a telephone conversation because I just couldn't handle being on the phone. I went through the trauma of forcing myself to leave the house again, because the world just wouldn't bend for me.

It's a frustrating thing to deal with, especially as it pertains to those around us. Because "outsiders" can't see our "disability," they forget it exists, or think it's all in our head, or whatever else. But it's always there; always looming. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. And it absolutely does take a physical toll.

By baring your soul and exposing your vulnerabilities, you've extended tremendous support to your friend, G. I am honored to call you a friend, and I bet (s)he is too.

Steven Anthony said...

once again my friend you have shown your wonderful heart...G is a very lucky person to have you in there corner.....

depression is serious, I suffer from it as well, as you know....but we all, including G can and will overcome as long as we continue to support each other;)

muchh love my friend

JDaniel4's Mom said...

Depression is such a tough thing. It effect all areas of your life. I hope she starts to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Shannon said...

I have dealt with depression and anxiety for years..expecially anxiety after being hit 3 times by 3 different cars 3 years apart..driving took awhile for me to do again without an anxiety attack..depression is a horrible evil thing..I hope your friend will contact you soon to let you know how they are! You are a wonderful friend stay that way!

Blogabber said...

Yesterday was a hectic day and I had to deal with people in a way that I'm not used to.

That probably had something to do with the trouble that I caused myself in the blogoshere.

Thank you so much, Jo for all you have done for me. I hope I can be there for you as well.

G

Jo said...

I haven't done anything much, G. I'm just glad you're okay.

There are indeed people in blogosphere who thrive on drama but you can't let them chase you away. I tackle them head on.

If that doens't work, moderate your comments so as to filter them out.

Disagreeing is one thing -- but there is never an excuse for some of these people to be hateful and unsulting. If I don't like or agree with a blog, I don't frequent it. Simple as that. But I would NEVER leave a nasty comment on someone else's blog simply out of disagreement.

Sorry you had to go through that that -- keep your spirits up and don't let anyone deter all your progress.

Good luck with your new blog. I look forward to reading it.

Love,
~Jo

Jaynie Martin said...

Wow jo, i think i can just copy and paste for my blogs :) x
I hope G gets through this and can return.
I agree with all comments here, Many dont understand, depressives dont see things as they do, a mole hill is the biggest of mountains, simple things like answering the phone is almost impossible.
When people write thoughtless comments they dont understand that where as most can just ignore or come back fighting, its much much more to us and hurts deeply. I still wonder why people have to be so mean ive had several on facebook they have no idea what they did to me and how it wrecked weeks of fighting to be well. How lucky they should consider their selves that they dont suffer!
Heres to fighting on and building our strength.

MissKris said...

Hi, Jo...my first visit here since you stopped by on my BON day...thank you so much! Argghhh...bankruptcy! We've known several people who've gone thru it...desperately hard. Dear Hubby and I in our 36 years have definitely had our ups and downs and tho we never had to file for it, we were awfully close more than once. Especially the year our son was born...no health insurance, Hubby lost his job, I had to give birth by c-section and both the baby and I were in the hospital almost a week. Also, when our first baby was born, Dear Hubby had a kidney removed when she was 6 months old. We've been blessed to crawl out of those holes but we don't have an abundance of money now and never will. Point of fact, haha! Oh well, money truly can't buy happiness. If we have our love, our health, our family...what more do we need? Enjoyed my visit here a lot!

MommyToTwoBoys said...

I am here from SITS and would normally say happy saturday sharefest in a jovial way, but after reading your post I realize that is just not appropriate.

Thank you so much for sharing all those personal matters. It really opened my eyes to anxiety and depression. I really hope your friend is ok. How sad that she left you such a down and brief note with no real explanation. I hope you can still reach out to her.

My husband and I were in serious financial trouble about 3 years ago. Debt got so out of hand and the calls and people coming to the house really made me upset and anxious. But I had a baby to take care of so I had to put on a good front. I am happy to say that we are just about out of that hole! A few more months and we will be completely debt free and back on track. Now we never buy anything, or even pay bills, if we can't do it with cash (or debit).

I wish you the best with your situation. I will be checking back in for sure.

I am Harriet said...

Wonderful post.
Stopping by from SITS Saturday Sharefest.

Have a great Saturday!
http://harrietandfriends.com/2010/03/shameless-gossip-follower-iare/

BONNIE K said...

Hi Jo. Thank you for stopping by and leaving your wonderful comments. The more I read, the more I am convinced that almost everyone suffers from anxiety. I know you said you don't want to go the medical route, but anti-anxiety meds have really changed my life. i get the generic - citalopram - which is very inexpensive. They take the edge off, and trust me, life is so much easier when you don't spend all your energy worrying about everything. I am enjoying your blog and will do some more exploring of it.

Rachel Cotterill said...

I hope your friend is ok. I hope she reads this - because I'm sure it will speak to her.