Friday, February 19, 2010

LOOKING FOR GRACE



Grace is a lovely word and an act that is seldom practiced and seems elusive at times. I have seen very few people with it, myself included.

I seem to have imploded instead of seeking out that one elusive word and act.

The deal is simply this: I need to manage my time and household better and get a grip.

I need to speak up for myself more and do so with articulation and forethought and not out of anger and/or frustration. I need to set up boundaries and stick by my decisions.

I need time to just be. I need time to drink my coffee in the mornings, write, read and prepare myself mentally and physically in solitude for the day that lies ahead.

I know that sounds selfish but I have raised my kids and am now simply trying to gather my bearings and find my footing and balance in this big universe.

To quote 'Boston Rob' from last nights episode of 'Survivor': I seem to have a case of "crybabyitis".

I have a constant fear and a bad case of 'the other shoe is going to drop'. I am anxiety ridden and full of angst and resentment that I just can't seem to shake. I feel as if I can still lose more and it is taking its obvious toll on my sense of being. Couple that with certain peoples sense of entitlement that are in my life and there you have the makings of a woman who is losing control of her existence.

I am working hard on getting control of my finances and that is a big step but it always feels like it is not enough.

So, I am getting proactive in my mental health and, after talking it over with Ed and B, I am now seeking out counseling. Ed is going to look into what is available for us insurance wise, what we can afford, what will be covered, programs, etc.

To feel so weak and feeble minded is not my proudest moment, I gotta tell you. However, I also acknowledge that by taking a stance to get healthy and clear my thoughts so I can set a course for a clarity, productivity and my own betterment (which will in turn help my family) is in itself the first step to having grace in my life.

I'll be back later today to post on my '90 Days' blog (see button on my sidebar) and in a day or two to finally catch up on everyone else's blogs. Thank you all for your well wishes this past week.

Peace and serenity,
~Jo

4 comments:

Steven Anthony said...

PTSS...post tramatic stress syndrome...you have been through allot over the past yr, of coarse you feel the way you do...I am so proud of you for taking control and seeking help...stand strong my friend, know I love you and am praying for you. You have my email, use it when ever you want, I will be right here by your side as I aways have.....your amazing, just remember that;)

much love

Meeko Fabulous said...

Counseling is the best thing you can do for yourself! If anything, it'll help you get a lot off your chest! :)

VKT said...

Jo,

I was really touched reading your post. I am going to put you at the top of my prayer list. If I were there, I would give you a big hug!

GregoryJ said...

I'm so happy to see you back, Jo. I missed you.
You need to be selfish sometimes. If you don't do it, no one is going to do it for you.
I've had therapy off and on over the last severalteen years. Some helped, some didn't. Get a counselor that is good for you. Don't just settle for one.

I made a comment on your post about survivor, that I was later ashamed of and deleted. I was feeling down at the time and lashed out every where. I'm sorry I did that.