Saturday, January 23, 2010


They say that people will not always believe what you say but will always believe what you do.

In light of how I've been feeling about needing space (see previous post), today I let my body language do the talking.

It was cowardice.

However, in my defense, please allow me to say that my emotions get the best of me when I have to be confrontational.

When I let things build up to the point where I'm hurt, angry and/or disappointed, it can be ugly.

So, today I simply ignored people instead of just saying; "I love you, but let's re-establish some boundaries because I'm starting to feel resentful."

I'm a pretty brassy broad, if you ask me if a dress looks fat on you, I will give you my honest opinion.

But when it comes to how I feel, I just get moody.

It gets old constantly saying and thinking; "After the year we've had, who can blame me?"

However, it's simply the very matter of fact truth in my very present life. I haven't yet learned how to decompress.

If I've said it once, I've said it 100 times: I am a work in progress and I am still figuring out how to say things when I need to say them and express myself in a healthy way.

Instead I get bitchy; slamming cupboards, ignoring people, making assumptions and doing my own thing in 'Area A' while everyone else is in 'Area B.'

I'm much better at expressing myself in writing than I am verbally. I just don't speak well which is likely why I despise talking on the phone. I'm one of those people who is so thankful for texting and E-mail.

When I speak my mind, I come off as either insincere or angry.

Ed said to me today: "You need to let people know how you feel before you get to the point where you're this angry. I don't think your request for some space is unreasonable and I don't think anyone else will see it as unreasonable, either."

I think there are a couple of things going on here: not wanting to hurt peoples feelings and/or them taking it the complete other way and never coming over: "Okay, she wants space, I'll give her space. F*** her."

I just want to be able to compartmentalize my life, decompress and have a happy medium.

Which is probably what everyone wants.

But I don't know how to ask for those things so I end up being resentful because I expect people should be considerate enough and thoughtful enough of me and my time (and that of mine and my family) to be able to figure all this out without me having to sit down and draw a diagram.

So, my 'diagram' is being bitchy.

Surely there's got to be a better approach than this -- and yes, I know that approach is honesty and being up front. I'm working on that.

So, tonight Ed, B and our two 'other boys' went for a drive to Joshua Tree after Ed got home from work. They took the binoculars to star gaze and I made them all sandwiches.

I already miss Ed and B but I also knew that this was symmetry in motion. I needed this tonight for myself and admit my relief when my 'oldest son' (who went with them) brought his wife with him and then she left. She just came to drop him off and wish everyone a fun trip -- but I assumed she was here to spend the evening with me, which I clearly didn't want tonight.

That may have been the initial plan, I don't know, but I ended up feeling stupid, ashamed and then, I admit, ultimately relieved that if my being bitchy is what it took to get me a few hours to myself, then so be it.

I'm used to being thrown in defensive mode and don't know quite how to shake my way out of it.

Again, I'm working on it but it will have to wait. As for now, I'm off to take a bath, light some scented candles and watch some guilty pleasure T.V.

Serenity, here I come.


Steven Anthony said...

my friend, give yourself a break...your yr has been a living hell, it will take awhile before you are able to actually relax, breath and stop waiting for the othjer shoe to drop...I think your hubs is right, people will understand, at this point it sounds to me you need to be understanding on yourself....I love ya my friend;)

if u feel like a laugh go read my post on my latest blond date about the big purse;)

remember love yourself my friend, you deserve it!

Andrea said...

I sooo get it. I can be moody when I need space and I also come across the WRONG way many times. Had that happen just a few hours ago. Exhausting, isn't it? Too bad we are NOT better understood.
Hugs and prayers, andrea

Audra said...

Girl, I know what you mean. It's hard when you get in a place where you feel like you can't make others understand. I think you give the boys too much credit. Sometimes, we have to remember, they can't read our minds, and what may seem obvious to you in somebody's body language, will fly up and over their heads. We've got to tell them what we want and need sometimes.

I'm glad you have finally gotten your relaxing night. I hope it refreshes you!!

GregoryJ said...

I'm the same way about not being able to talk. I much prefer writing or leaving messages.
Your husband seems to have gotten the message; you just have to work out the details.
In vino veritas.

Tammy said...

Stopping in from SITS...sorry to hear that you didn't get any visits from yesterday. I became your newest follower. I would love to have you come over and follow me. Stop by and say hi when you get a chance.

I loved your post!

Have a great Sunday!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Enjoy your solitude..... remember to thank everyone for the break and tell them that you will be much nicer to be around if they remember to give you some space.

Julie said...

I'm here getting caught up on my blog reading!!! Ahahaha, love the Unstable and Bitchy cartoon. I'm totally gonna hijack that from your blog!!!!

Naqvee said...

believe in good karma...I follow this :
if no one understands you then leave it and move on, if no one likes your advice stop giving it and move on,
if no one hears you then stop telling them and move on, if no one speaks to you then then stop asking them and move on..
don't wait for their apology and move on! in this world of 1000000000000000000000 billion people there are many people who wants to understand you, take your advice, hear from you, listen to you, speak to you and love you! better move on.. move on to THEM..

I always move on.. it requires mastery but you are never late to learn!