Saturday, January 23, 2010
WHEN ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
They say that people will not always believe what you say but will always believe what you do.
In light of how I've been feeling about needing space (see previous post), today I let my body language do the talking.
It was cowardice.
However, in my defense, please allow me to say that my emotions get the best of me when I have to be confrontational.
When I let things build up to the point where I'm hurt, angry and/or disappointed, it can be ugly.
So, today I simply ignored people instead of just saying; "I love you, but let's re-establish some boundaries because I'm starting to feel resentful."
I'm a pretty brassy broad, if you ask me if a dress looks fat on you, I will give you my honest opinion.
But when it comes to how I feel, I just get moody.
It gets old constantly saying and thinking; "After the year we've had, who can blame me?"
However, it's simply the very matter of fact truth in my very present life. I haven't yet learned how to decompress.
If I've said it once, I've said it 100 times: I am a work in progress and I am still figuring out how to say things when I need to say them and express myself in a healthy way.
Instead I get bitchy; slamming cupboards, ignoring people, making assumptions and doing my own thing in 'Area A' while everyone else is in 'Area B.'
I'm much better at expressing myself in writing than I am verbally. I just don't speak well which is likely why I despise talking on the phone. I'm one of those people who is so thankful for texting and E-mail.
When I speak my mind, I come off as either insincere or angry.
Ed said to me today: "You need to let people know how you feel before you get to the point where you're this angry. I don't think your request for some space is unreasonable and I don't think anyone else will see it as unreasonable, either."
I think there are a couple of things going on here: not wanting to hurt peoples feelings and/or them taking it the complete other way and never coming over: "Okay, she wants space, I'll give her space. F*** her."
I just want to be able to compartmentalize my life, decompress and have a happy medium.
Which is probably what everyone wants.
But I don't know how to ask for those things so I end up being resentful because I expect people should be considerate enough and thoughtful enough of me and my time (and that of mine and my family) to be able to figure all this out without me having to sit down and draw a diagram.
So, my 'diagram' is being bitchy.
Surely there's got to be a better approach than this -- and yes, I know that approach is honesty and being up front. I'm working on that.
So, tonight Ed, B and our two 'other boys' went for a drive to Joshua Tree after Ed got home from work. They took the binoculars to star gaze and I made them all sandwiches.
I already miss Ed and B but I also knew that this was symmetry in motion. I needed this tonight for myself and admit my relief when my 'oldest son' (who went with them) brought his wife with him and then she left. She just came to drop him off and wish everyone a fun trip -- but I assumed she was here to spend the evening with me, which I clearly didn't want tonight.
That may have been the initial plan, I don't know, but I ended up feeling stupid, ashamed and then, I admit, ultimately relieved that if my being bitchy is what it took to get me a few hours to myself, then so be it.
I'm used to being thrown in defensive mode and don't know quite how to shake my way out of it.
Again, I'm working on it but it will have to wait. As for now, I'm off to take a bath, light some scented candles and watch some guilty pleasure T.V.
Serenity, here I come.